Eyes Like Squares

'Underage and Having Sex'

2010-07-06T11:13:00.001-07:00

Monday, Channel 4, 9:00pm

When I was fifteen I had my homework diary confiscated, along with my friend, and we were made to stand outside the headmaster's office whilst our mothers were called in to see what disgusting things we had written in there. I was terrified. It didn't seem that bad to me, I thought it was kind of hilarious, but to the teachers it was evidently a Big Fucking Deal.

We were already looking at suspension but I knew that whatever my parents did it would be worse. My mother didn't even look at me when she walked past to his office; just glared straight ahead as if I didn't exist.

While she was inside, she told me later, she was sobbing reading this diary that was filled with graphic descriptions of sexual activity with numerous boys. It was listed with the boys' names, ages and the particular act performed.

My mum said that after a minute or so she wiped her eyes and thought, “This doesn't sound like my daughter...” and flipped to the front of the diary. Obviously, it wasn't my name. The headmaster had given her the wrong one. In a short space of time my mum had been crushed, had her heart completely broken and subsequently she turned that sorrow into absolute fury. She shouted at the headmaster, who, unbelievably, insisted it was mine and proceeded to march out, thrust it in my weepy little face and demand to know if it was mine. Of course not!

This only further enraged my mum. By the time he found mine and showed her what it said she couldn't give a fuck. You know what we'd done? My friend and I had marked a date on the calender with, “Burn down Miss Davies' house”. On another date there was, “Conquer Russia” so I'm not sure why they threatened to get the police involved. Miss Davies was a bitch. There. Fuck Miss Davies. I can say whatever I want now.

My mum took me home, I got two weeks off school (suspension, puh) and my parents battled the school for being just. so. Fucking. Douchey. For making an error that broke my mum's heart, even if it was only for a minute. I got off pretty lightly.

I just wasn't very sexually active in high school. On the Bad Kids spectrum I was more to the smoking, drinking, bongs sort of teenager. I'm glad my mum knew I wasn't one of Those Girls.

The girls in 'Underage and Having Sex' might have homework diaries like the wrong one. Hannah, 15, says that when she has sex it makes her feel wanted and that it means they like her. She talks about her sexual experience to the film makers with an unnerving smirk. It's the kind of smirk that only teenagers can do and it's designed to portray how much contempt they have for anyone who thinks they know better. She hasn't told her mum she isn't a virgin yet (uh duh Hannah, this goes on the teh-lu-vision) and she says that she especially doesn't want to tell her mother how many guys she has slept with.

Why her mother would want to know is a fucking mystery. I imagine she doesn't.

Cleverly, the show has chosen the girls who best represent every parent's actual worst nightmare. By only showing these type of girls, who are frank and frankly rather slutty, they've managed to manipulate the idea that ALL teenage girls behave this way. They're all out there, fucking everyone that moves because it makes them feel special and they don't care who knows it.

Okay, they aren't horrible girls, they seem normal. Lesbian Hannah, 15, who looks like a female version of the Jewish one from Freaks & Geeks, first had sex with a girl at a slumber party when she was 14. This is not the dirty man's fantasy teenage lesbian slumber party, I don't think. She has even come out to her friends.

I suppose that some people will think this is all new and scary, teenagers weren't like this when they were younger, we're all going to shit, but I can hereby confirm that there were individuals like this in my school in the 90s and early noughties. No one paid them much attention. The vast majority of us just weren't like that. I'm sure it's always been the same and it always will be.

'Penn & Teller's Bullshit!' shown in America last week also focused on underage sex and provides a level-headed antidote to the hysteria that 'Underage and Having Sex' wishes to conjure.

Sometimes this behaviour is aggravated by having a Laid Back Mum. They are the worst. Shoshonna (I can't spell her name because it's stupid, it's pronounced show-show-nah, I'm not even sure that's a real name, anyway) has a Laid Back Mum who is Always There To Listen and thinks it's better if she Does It In The House. Wait! Ew.

When Shoshona (?) told her mum about her first time she did so with detail, “Oh it was perfickt,” her mum says, “There were cahhhndulls and musick and everyfink, it were dead luvly lahk in Mills and Boon, you know, lahk in them books you read,” uh, not ones I read, love, maybe that's where you've been going wrong.

She doesn't mind Shoshohnah (??) haviong an eighteen year old boyfriend when she is only fifteen years old. She doesn't mind him staying over because he lives dead far away, apparently, and it's better than taking him back there in the night.

Go figure. I suppose I am snob and always have been. Those girls were always looked upon with mild pity in my middle class schools, our paths rarely crossed, I just heard the rumours. They aren't getting pregnant or failing their classes, so in the end does it really matter? Is it bad at all, whether you're promiscuous at 15 or 35? Your reputation in high school becomes irrelevant the minute you walk out of there and from experience sexual follies are hardly emotionally scarring. They're easily forgotten, as unimportant after the fact as they were when it happened. I think we should leave them to it. And just swear to God our own daughters won't be like that.

Gentle Ben and the Fuckers

2010-07-05T08:24:00.000-07:00

It's been difficult to write anything coherent about the latest series of Big Brother. My heart, see, has been stolen. Ben is the kind of man you could bully forever and all he would do is apologise and ask what he's done wrong. This makes him my Dream Guy. That golden hair, those weird lips! Swoon.

Mario has the same idea, though his affections seem to be misdirected. Now, he has taken to incessant bitching to gain more attention, claiming he has “figured him out”. Though it is mostly sexual tension the row is also based on the fact that Ben is not as interested in aliens as Mario is. Brilliant. I'm not that interested in aliens either, we have so much in common! I wonder how he feels about sea creatures...

Ban and Dave have formed a strange bond. Any bond with the Sinister Minister is strange but particularly this one. They lie in each other's arms dissecting the group dynamics and say how much they love the other. Perhaps Ben is a LITTLE BIT gay...in fact, he refused to say what his sexuality was when he applied...this I will put to the back of my mind. If we are to be married I will just have to live with it. Sex is a lot of effort anyway.

Inexplicably, most of the housemates don't really like Ben. He quits tasks, talks about nominations and has hit foot firmly in his mouth all of the time. He's inadvertently upset every person in there at one time or another because he is, inherently, pretty stupid. Emotionally simple. Socially retarded.

He became a hero for one night after passing the stand-up task, performing and toe curling 90 seconds of comedy to the live eviction crowd. He subsequently bungled this by quitting a task the next day that required him to endure army style training for an unspecified length of time. I'm right behind him, I'd have quit too, though I could offer him 6-8 hours of rigorous activity, phwoar. Though I'm sure we'd both quit five minutes in and have a biscuit and a cuddle.

Shabby and Caoimhe – will they? Won't they? They won't, retard. Shabby should quit this before she makes herself look any more creepy than she already has. I feel for the women in Big Brother who are the objects of unrequited feelings. They are often slammed as teases and hated on the grounds of “leading people on”. It's almost like everyone forgets what it's like when it happens to them, or maybe there are a lot of people who have never had to endure that kind of attention. I remember, it's horrible. It's awkward and it's an ego boost and you want to be nice and you're worried you're leading them on and you're sure you aren't and you feel like a bitch and then everyone calls you a cock tease because you still want to be friends with the person. It sucks hard.

I actually don't mind Caoimhe. She's being quite nice to Ben about the Mario situation. I'm not going to peek at who is nominated this week or who wins the task and puts someone else up because it makes me angry in advance and ruins the show. I know Ben will be up, I hope he wins the task. He better put his whole heart into that task. I hope they make him wear something hot...

Dreamy.

If I was in there this week my two nominations would be: David – please get your hands off my man, you giant perv. Also because I haven't forgotten that he told AmpuSteve that, “I'd like to get my hands on your nubs and command them to grow”. For me this has been the worst thing anyone has said all series, it was just appalling, I was so embarrassed I nearly died. They always put the worst Welsh people in there. My second nomination this week would be for Mario, of course. He's just so stupid. What did he say about his reasons for being there? To find himself or some shit? He thinks he's quite intelligent but everything he spouts is total garbage.

I'm pleased they finally got a premium shopping budget as their weariness was making me weary. Punishments always seem like a fun idea but in reality they just result in bickering circles about the same boring shit every day. Sunshine and her fucking crisps. Ben and his ceaseless rule breaking. Nathan and the kitchen.

It's good to see some life back in there, the smokers with smiles on their faces! Maybe with their few luxuries they'll all call peace on the Ben issue and I'll get to gaze at him admiringly for the rest of the summer. Oh fuck, it isn't going to happen, is it?

AS THIS WENT TO PRESS THE FOLLOWING NEWS BROKE:

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/bigbrother/news/a238615/shabby-walks-out-of-bb-house.html

Shabby gone. I am shocked and amazed that Caoimhe didn't go with her...in opposite land.

Big Brother 11 Live Launch Night: My thoughts as I thunk 'em

2010-06-09T15:31:00.001-07:00

Big Brother 11 Live Launch Night: My thoughts as I thunk 'em

This is, of course, the final stretch of Big Brother. I am both deeply saddened and hugely relieved; I am not sure if I have the energy to continue these bile filled summers, even if I still have the urge to. No more muttering to myself around the house, wishing such-and-such dead because of that thing with the teabags. This becomes hugely blown out of proportion until they become the Rasputin of my summer and I'm stuffing an effigy with dry grass and losing sleep until they're voted out.

Launch shows are never very exciting. A bunch of life-failers proclaiming to be “well bitchy” or incredibly vain. Who can tell who will actually be a bitch and who will sit sullenly in a corner? Who will cry in the mornings before everyone else gets up, and then leave on day four because they miss their dog? Fuck knows, that's who.

First and most excitingly we catch a glimpse of an actual amputee! Fingers crossed now. The potential housemates are gathered in a large warehouse. I would rather chew my own face off than have to mingle in that room. The new format involves even more faffing than before. Davina still meanders about the house making animal noises when words fail to describe her feelings about the garish furniture. And garish it is. As she continues though, it just grows on me. I am considering squatting there after they all fuck off. I will get rid of that mechanical parrot though, it just brings the quality down a notch. A great bewinged diary room chair with eagle feet trumps that yucky plastic chair from last year. So golden, so stylish. I would use that as my thinking chair.

The best part is the Tree of Temptation from this year's Celebrity Big Brother returning as a chest of drawers, wonderful! I loved the Tree, witty and cheeky and tricky. If only it weren't a chest of drawers and was in fact an actual human masquerading as a chest of drawers, that would be one funny human.

After that bit of arsing around is dealt with (we will see the house all summer, why give a tour? Just get to the amputee) they finally get around to choosing the housemates.

Josie

Josie looks startlingly old for a 25 year old. She is a robust girl who once drank petrol by mistake. Obviously she runs on diesel. She proceeds to scream and squeal as she roams the abode.

I catch a glimpse of a midget. Oh God. Pick the midget.

Steve

Our amputee. I feel bad now because it turns out he's ex-forces and got blown up in Northern Ireland. Hasn't slowed him down, dude's got one eye but eight kids. You go Steve! He seems nice enough. I am uncomfortable watching him shuffle on his artificial legs to the sound of circus music. Do I just need to steel myself to these bad choices? Yes, yes I do.

Ben

Ben is booed by the crowd before he even says anything. At a glance he seems like your standard twat. Ben complains that people think that because he has a posh voice it means he is posh. Such discrimination I have never seen. Aghast! He immediately goes up in my books by describing the house as “A prison designed by Boy George” right on, Ben!

Rachel

There has been talk of a Beyonce look-a-like entering the house. I assume this is she because she looks mad like Beyonce. If it isn't her then the other one must be really bloody good. Apparently Rachel only looks at herself in the mirror 58 times a day. I think if you're still able to count the times you're looking in the mirror you're A. not paying enough attention to your reflection and B. not looking enough.

Nathan

I think Nathan is Proper Ugly and he swaggers like a drunk. He boasts his eyebrow is 6 ½ inches long. Alas his penis, a mere 3.

Dave

Dave is a minister. A sinister minister who threatens to smother everyone in God's presence. If he keeps laughing like that all summer I will have to punch him in the throat.

At this point, wouldn't it be great if they picked someone who just realised what an awful idea this all was and refused to go in? And if they had security drag them in by the hair and lock the doors?

Coimme...Coihme? Caoimhe? CAIOMHE

Fuck this bitch. This fake lesbian Big Brother contestant claims she is NOT an attention seeker. Which seems entirely plausible...IN OPPOSITE LAND. Hah.

Govan

Govan is nice. He is giggly and cheeky and sweet. Therefore he is boring to talk about further.

Shabby

By name and by nature. She looks like a homeless person installation at the Saatchi gallery. Grubby says she is a film-maker (vomit) and will be the darling of the indie film industry some day. If this happens I will pluck out mine eyes. She also gets a lot of “poon-tang”, I believe this refers to vaginas, presumably because no self-respecting male will touch her.

Ife

Ife purports that people are shocked that she is both black and well spoken. I should imagine, a posh black girl! Whatever next! Where does she live? The 1960s? She is pretty and nice enough. Whatever.

John James

People will deem this man attractive, bleh. I am sure he has purposely manipulated his appearance after one person said he looked A BIT LIKE David Beckham. He has clutched that to his little heart and bleached his fucking hair ever since.

Sunshine

Kill me fast. Sunshine describes herself as a chihuahua carrying doctor. It isn't her real name of course, she woke up one day and decided people would now address her as Sunshine. “Hello, I'm Dr. Sunshine. I'm afraid to tell you it's malignant.” I want a second opnion.

Corin

Corin is so boring and orange I just died a little typing this out.

Well, absurdly the midget has not been chosen. There are less physical abnormalities amongst this group than I would prefer.

The last housemate will be chosen at random using a lottery type system that no one givces a shit about.

Mario

He is camp and enthusiastic. We don't know anything else about him except that for the next few minutes he comes across as quite thick.

Mario is given a task in A TWIST. (Though I'm not sure it's a twist if it happens right at the beginning.) This task is named The Impossible task. Impossible task is impossible. Mario must act as a mole in the house. But there is a further TWIST. Mario must wear a stupid mole costume with a sign around his neck that reads “I am a mole”. If someone tried to put that costume on me I would kick them to death and put that costume on their swollen corpse. Mario seems happy enough to just be on telly, so each to their own. In addition, Mario must sleep in a little mole hole. However, he must somehow evade being called out as a mole by the majority of housemates to survive in the house. Considering that he fails to read the instructions printed on a giant screen it seems unlikely he will do well for the duration of the task.

You have to ask, why bother. What is the point. Why do I waste my time watching this trash. Am I as bad as them. Well, this is the last year, so just swallow that self loathing and enjoy the humiliation of other, lesser beings than yourself. Innit.

All the drama of proper EastEnders, LIVE! Without any of the drama of being LIVE!

2010-02-19T13:11:00.000-08:00

So live EastEnders, aye?
What a disappointment.
Acting, exemplary.
Camera, exemplary.
Sound, exemplary.
Nobody giggled, or dropped an f- bomb, or tripped. Except Bradley, of course. I am gutted, he was very gorgeous. God rest his soul.

We all watched in the hope someone would royally fuck up or get a camera in the face, and as such it turned out to be a huge waste of time. As we watched it here, we cackled as Jack tripped over his words, like birds of prey hovering over a bleeding fox. It came to nothing, bastard pulled himself together.

My step mother was trying to look at the time on the actors' watches to check if it was really live, such was the quality...or perhaps we as a public are rather paranoid and struggle to trust the BBC after all that fuss with the queen and the editing.

Anyway. The big question for the last week has been, Whodunnit? To which the answer was Oocares? But now the answer is Oh it were Stacey.

This was easily the most frustrating television I have ever watched. JUST SAY WHO DID IT. CAN'T WE ALL MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES? THAT ISN'T A HOME VIDEO! IT'S A MONTAGE OF OLD EASTENDERS CLIPS. THAT POLICEMAN CAN'T CLIMB A LADDER!

And revelations that Archie raped his own daughter, Ronnie, that is too gross.
It would have made more sense if Ronnie dunnit, the murder I mean, you know.
None of it is making much sense and I don't think it's the shock of losing Bradley, it hasn't made sense for ages. What was Archie up to? I mean overall. I understand he wanted The Vic, and now I understand why he didn't like Danielle/Amy about, what with her being an inbred and all (this also explains why her character seemed somewhat mentally disabled), but why did he just do all the other things, like Janine and Peggy?

He was a bit of an aimless sociopath for my money, I like them to have concise goals, tie up loose ends.

Well it's over now I guess. Time to move on. Can we get back to the body under the tree now? Is that dog still hanging around there? Who is Stacey's baby daddy? Is she going to prison now? It's all up in the air. I wish they would stop toying with my emotions and just get on with it so I can live my life to the fullest.

It's the Most Wonderful Time Of the Year

2009-11-17T03:23:00.000-08:00

I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here! is back. The proper one, the British one; fewer fireside group therapy sessions and more shouting. Plus: Ant & Dec! Our national treasures. After the initial and inevitable disappointment with the line-up ("Who's that? Is that...No. Who? Oh wow it's...no, nope it isn't. Hmph. Who?") you realise it doesn't even matter anymore because they are all equal when sticking their hand in to a box full of yabbies.
I am quite impressed they managed to get superstars Colin and Justin in there though - WOWZER. Stars have never shone so bright! And with all the publicity they've been getting recently, what a catch!
Oh yeah and Jordan or Katie Price, or whoever she's being this series, is back. To get away from the paparazzi and get some "peace and quiet"...Christ. Instead of going to a TV set, in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by cameras and being forced to chew on various testicles couldn't she just put her tits away and behave demurely for a change?
I'm always caught between two strong feelings watching I'm A Celeb every year;

Thrilled

Very sad

Thrilled, because people are debasing themselves for my entertainment, and very sad because a grown man is almost crying, holding a gigantic water spider in his mouth, while a washed up 80s slut shouts, "Keep going Gino! Think of how proud your wife and children will be!" Shudder.
Kim Woodburn, lovey, is rather, ooh deary, Carry On Up the Jungle. She's disappointing voters who sent her under the water in a perspex coffin full of crawlies by handling it in much the same way as she handles poor old George Hamilton, hooting and accusing them of paying too much attention to her ample (and thensome) chest, ooh, the little rotters.
Is George medically fit for any task on this show? So far he's been treated like a doddering old fool, women crouching in front of him harping, "You alright love? You need me to wash your clothes? Let me 'ave a sniff...no you're right it DOES smell clean, let me know if I can do anything for you love." It might be a unique situation in which he can only gain back some dignity by swallowing a crocodile penis, thus showing us all he's not a senile old coot but a capable and independent Hollywood legend. I think. Yeah, I think that's how it works, it certainly seems to make a lot of sense.
And then there are some other people and a snooker player or something. They sit around in the background while the rambunctious and hated compete for the public's affection, thus gaining too much attention and inevitably getting chewed up and spat out after a couple of trials, days from the finale, carrying their sorry grub munching arses back home. This leaves us with the pretty, the boring and the stupid to choose from in the final days.
That'll do, I guess. Who cares?

No Surprises

2009-06-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

Even I could have told you that Angel was going. I'm glad too, because by the time she left I could barely stand to look at her, finding her physically repulsive as she lurched around sucking eggs and drooling like a toddler. UGH. And don't even get me started on the fasting. Ok, fine, I'm started; the fasting thing was fucking stupid. How can someone possibly think eating soup is ok when fasting because it is a liquid? By that logic you could blend steaks and so long as you could suck them through a straw you'd be on course. Stupid bitch. I'm really glad she's gone.

HOW DOES SREE CONSISTENTLY ESCAPE NOMINATIONS?

Of course by the time I post this nominations will have been aired and perhaps (if God isn't totally fucking with the universe again) Sree might be up.

I'm with Halfwit, I'd love to see a Sree vs Halfwit eviction night. I'd love to see Sree's face when he goes. I hope the booing makes him cry, uh huh, I do. Because he is nemisis now.

Halfwit needs to watch himself in there. Just as I was starting to feel a genuine warmth towards him he started getting a little too cock sure, being overly embarrassing in his boasting of sexual encounters and the like. It's a real shame because what I was starting to realise was that he is an actual nice person. I know as British people we are prone to recoil at the cheerful and friendly, staring hard at the floor and wondering how on earth they managed to give the nurses the slip and whether they are dangerous; but the longer I watch Halfwit the more I realise that yeah, he's annoying, and what he says makes me cringe, but he hasn't got a bad bone in his body really, has he? And why should what he says make me feel embarrassed? He is a "free spirit" and in a way that's something to admire. I have often wished myself when looking at people like him that I could live in such delusions, seeing myself as I would like to see myself rather than living smothered by neuroses and wary of others' perceptions of me.

But alas, he is being a bit of a prick innit.

So, though, is Kris. If there was one moment of Big Brother this past week that made me want to punch my TV in the face it was Kris suggesting he should end things with Sophie/Dogface because he has absolutely no control over himself at all and she'd be better off without him. SHE TOTALLY WOULD, because if a person can sit there and say "I really like you" and then say "but I'm going to hurt you" then they are mentally subnormal and you'd be a lot better off finding someone who is able to treat people they like nicely, I hear that is possible these days, so go look.

Or he could just be saying this because he's actually bored of Sophie. I too am bored of Sophie. She's nice, she's gorgeous, she's got a tiny little waist, she gets drunk and shows off her fanny...and then she does all that again and again and again. It wouldn't be the worst thing ever if she left the house.

Carly is awesome, I love her diary room impressions of Halfwit and right from the beginning I said that she has a cool wit and I still think she does.

Lisa is so nasty and manipulative that it's apparent she is this series' super villian. Her croaky throat producing streams of bilious dirge about every housemate that has not yet fallen under her regime. Just shut the fuck up and pick some more fag ends out of the big ashtray, you sad old caaaah.

Loved the extreme school sports day, it was like BB with a dash of I'm A Celebrity. Very chic!

Let's see Sree GTFO this week. Please. I Can't stands no more!

BB10: Well Smoke My Guns

2009-06-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

I guess I was wrong, WHATEVER. Geez. Goodbye Cairon! =(

Now that he's gone I've changed my mind; put him back and kick Halfwit out! I was so busy hating that I took Cairon and Siavash's bromance for granted, it actually hurt my heart when Siavash was crying after Cairon's eviction. I can only imagine how much it would suck to lose a friend like that in the house.

If Halfwit had gone I can't imagine many tears would have been shed. Billy-no-mates that he is.

At least we still have Charlie and Kris bringing the much needed sound of laughter into the house. I'm not completely sure about either of those guys though. Charlie is a genuinely funny guy and I think he's lovely but he's a bit too much sometimes. I don't like the fuss he makes surrounding nominations every week, "Do I have to? I haven't really thought about it like. Can I come back later? Ooh it's too hard! I can't nominate anyone."
Then Big Brother says, "Charlie, if you do not nominate two housemates and give valid reasons, you will automatically face the public vote this week."
"Ok Halfwit..."
Tsh.

Kris and Sophie's romance is all a bit lackluster, innit? Personally, when it comes to the romances, I don't care if it's fake or real, I don't care what they were or were not doing under the covers, and I don't give a fuck if it ever works in the "outside world". It's all been done. Nikki and Pete of BB7 ruined it for me, Pete was the only housemate I ever loved and he hooked up with that crazy bitch! To hell with all the house romances, I wanna see more fights.

You know who's fucking crazy?
Marcus.
I mean actually fucking crazy, probably has a collection of girls' hair at home, is just on this side of being a dangerous sociopath kind of crazy.

He's not wholly unlikeable though, is he? He's gross and a bit of letch, definitely, but I just can't hate him! He stood up to Lisa, who is close becoming my least favourite housemate, sitting around smoking her fags encouraging Sree to persist in making damn sure that Noirin is either with him or having the most miserable time of her life. Sree is seeming ever more like the kind of guy who should be castrated before he actually kills a woman and keeps the body to dress up and have dinner with until the next door neighbour complains about the smell. And don't say you didn't see it coming because I said so right here.

Sree is furious with Marcus because Marcus offered Noirin a can of cider in exchange for a massage, cuddle or looksie at her breasts. Such is the currency in the Big Brother house. For a lesbian kiss in the pool you get a glass and a half of wine. Bumming will get you 5 rollies. Etc.

Sree, having no sense of humour and being a terrifying obsessive stalker, imediately started to go around dismissing Noirin as "thick", "slut", "pathetic". I don't think he's noticed yet that Noirin did not expose herself or cuddle or massage Marcus; he's too busy plotting with the voices in his head on how to aptly punish Noirin and completely ruin the entire experience for her.

I hate Sree.

And it makes me like Marcus, seeing him stick it to Sree. The argument came to a head when Sree petulantly (as ever) started poking fun at Marcus' poor hygiene and bad breath, something that has been pointed out by others, and in all fairness Marcus does look a bit smelly. But the way Sree went at it was like a spiteful little child. Pathetic.

Here's more things I like about Marcus:
- He lives with his mum! Except, "It's not like I live wiv her like just like she 'as one room and I 'av the rest of the 'ouse, so it's not like she lives there or nufink." I'll bet he's grounded when he gets back for running his mouth off like that!

- He does his sideburns like Wolverine and thinks that Billy Ray Cyrus copied his haircut and owes him for the entire phenomenon! What's not to love about style and delusions of grandeur? He's so hip <3 class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28">immediately turns around and ruins it by saying something retarded and being a complete pervert.

Don't get me wrong though, if he wins I'll leave the fucking country.

I don't like the new eviction interview set up; what the hell happened to showing who nominated them? Do we really need to hear what Vanessa Phelps thinks? When all the voices start chirping away at once it makes me want to rip my ear drums out and throw them at the TV. What douche came up with that idea? Complete shambles. Boooooooooooooooooooooo I say.

Big Brother 10

2009-06-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

It's only been 16 days but already I feel like I've hated Sree all my life. He doesn't even have to say anything, his mere existence annoys the living shit out of me. How come his nose is so shiny? Why is he so happy and upbeat? Doesn't he know I hate him? He doesn't know thousands of people now hate him. That's why his eviction is going to be super awesome.

I was surprised and devastated he wasn't up for eviction this week; I thought everyone had had enough by now. I feel terrible for Noirin every time I see him lunge towards her for another hug, launch into another monologue about his love and how he cherishes their friendship (...of 16 days, yuh right).

You know what it reminds me of? BB6 Craig & Anthony. Remember how scary that got?

This is where it is going. Poor Noirin! Sometimes when I hear him talk I think my skin might crawl right off my skeleton and slither all the way to Elstree studios and strangle him while he sleeps.

This being said, my all consuming hate of Sree is part of what I'm loving most about this series.

Tonight's eviction is between Halfwit and Cairon. I championed Cairon when he first came in, innit. I thought he was like cool and sexy and stuff innit. That he might bring some youthful style innit and pizazz into the house innit. INNIT. Innit annoying now?

I don't like Halfwit. Especially since he dyed his hair, goatee and eyebrows. What a douche. He just looks ridiculous now, he reminds me of that old toy Fuzzy Face where you moved the magnetic files around to create a ridiculous looking facial hair on a ridiculous looking cartoon man face.
See?

I've read some really optimistic comments on forums about how "The public will keep Halfwit in because he annoys the housemates and it's entertaining," but I can't remember a single instance of this happening over the past 4 series. At least. I think he should stay, because he is a twat. He can't sing but he sings all the time, it's mortifying! And he's anarcho-conservative, what a head fuck!

Sometimes I see a contestant on Big Brother and I wonder how they ever existed before being on reality TV, that for them existence in our world must be nigh on impossible, how could they work when they are so clearly insane? Can they feed and dress themselves? Surely no one is actually friends with them! And I really, really get this from watching Halfwit. I even factored in the fact he's a toff but still, I could not picture him in this world. There must have been a glitch in the portal.

I really would like to see him stay but sadly I think Cairon is gonna be a'ight innit.

__________________________________________________________________

The show starts in half an hour, I'm pretty excited! I'm biding my time watching I'm A Celebrity USA on ITV2 +1 . American reality TV is too different.
Did you see Spencer slap the water bottle out of a black woman's hand? Geez, if that happened on one of our shows he'd have been run out of the country for being a violent racist.
Overall verdict on I'm A Celebrity USA: don't put yourself to watch it but if you're also an unemployed bum right now check it out in the mornings! Better than Jeremy Kyle. Enjoy while you can.